Monday's Official FAQ
Obtained via a source in the Committee for Regulated Asset Stability and Hedging
Dear readers,
I’ve been contacted by a highly placed source within the Committee for Regulated Asset Stability and Hedging - yes, THE Committee (I didn’t know it existed either until today) - who has given me the FAQ (work in progress) being prepared for Monday’s press conference.
I’m publishing this as a public service.
Last updated: January 30, 2026, 17:00 GMT
Q: What happened to silver on Friday?
A: Silver experienced normal price discovery in an orderly market environment. Prices moved from $112 to $74 and back to $85 over the course of 14 hours, which is well within historical parameters for a globally traded commodity responding to macroeconomic data.
Q: What historical parameters? When has silver ever moved 40% in one day?
A: Please refer to our previous answer regarding normal price discovery.
Q: Why didn’t any circuit breakers trigger during a 40% crash?
A: Circuit breakers are designed to trigger when prices move too quickly. Friday’s price movements, while substantial, remained within acceptable velocity parameters throughout the session.
Q: How is a 40% crash not “too quickly”?
A: The circuit breakers are calibrated to detect abnormal price movements. Friday’s movements, while rapid, were clearly normal as evidenced by the fact that no circuit breakers triggered.
Q: That’s circular reasoning.
A: We prefer to call it “market-validated risk management.”
Q: Why did the LME experience “technical difficulties” exactly when silver started crashing?
A: The London Metal Exchange experienced temporary technical issues unrelated to silver pricing. The timing was coincidental.
Q: And HSBC also had “temporary issues” at the same time?
A: Yes, also coincidental.
Q: On the same morning? During the same crash?
A: Britain has very old infrastructure. These things happen.
Q: The LME has been operating since 1877 without issue.
A: Exactly. Very old infrastructure.
Q: Shanghai closed Friday at $123. Chicago hit $74 on Friday morning. That’s a $49 difference for the same metal. How is that possible?
A: Different markets have different pricing dynamics based on local supply and demand factors.
Q: But it’s the same metal.
A: In different locations.
Q: Can’t you just ship it?
A: Shipping takes time.
Q: Not 12 hours it doesn’t.
A: Sometimes there’s traffic.
Q: The official explanation is that Kevin Warsh’s Fed nomination caused this. But he was rumored for weeks. How does expected news cause a 40% crash?
A: Markets are forward-looking and sometimes react to information they already knew by pretending they didn’t know it until they officially knew it.
Q: That doesn’t make any sense.
A: Nevertheless, it’s what happened.
Q: According to whom?
A: According to the official explanation.
Q: Which you just made up.
A: We prefer “market-validated narrative construction.”
Q: Was this a bailout of banks caught short silver?
A: No. Next question.
Q: JPMorgan recently closed 200 million ounces of short positions. Where did they get the silver?
A: From the market.
Q: Which market?
A: The silver market.
Q: The same market that has 356 paper claims for every physical ounce?
A: We don’t recognize that statistic.
Q: It’s publicly available data from your own exchange.
A: We don’t recognize it loudly.
Q: Did algorithm trading deliberately avoid circuit breaker thresholds?
A: Our trading algorithms are designed to provide liquidity under all market conditions while operating within regulatory parameters.
Q: That’s not an answer.
A: We feel it’s an excellent answer.
Q: Did the algorithms DELIBERATELY avoid triggering circuit breakers during the crash?
A: Our algorithms aren’t capable of “deliberate” action as they’re not sentient.
Q: But they’re programmed to know where the breakers are, aren’t they?
A: Our algorithms are programmed with comprehensive market structure awareness.
Q: So... yes?
A: We prefer “strategically-informed automated trading execution.”
Q: Why were the Epstein files released on the same day?
A: You’d have to ask the Department of Justice about that. We only coordinate mar— we only observe market activities.
Q: You were about to say “coordinate” weren’t you?
A: No.
Q: It sounded like you were.
A: We monitor. We observe. We facilitate. We do not coordinate.
Q: What’s the difference?
A: Coordinating would imply multiple parties working together toward a common goal, which would be illegal. We simply all happened to do complementary things at the exact same time for completely unrelated reasons.
Q: Isn’t that the definition of coordination?
A: No, that’s the definition of coincidence. They’re spelled differently.
Q: So the LME going offline, HSBC having issues, the Epstein files dropping, Trump threatening Iran, and Kevin Warsh’s nomination all happened the same day as a 40% silver crash by pure chance?
A: Yes.
Q: What are the odds of that?
A: We haven’t calculated them, but we’re told they’re very good.
Q: By whom?
A: By the Statistical Calculations and Analytical Metrics team.
Q: That’s not a real committee.
A: Not with that attitude it isn’t.
Q: Did China’s commodity fund suspensions on January 30th have anything to do with this?
A: China makes its own regulatory decisions based on its own market conditions.
Q: On the same day. During the same crash.
A: Yes, coincidentally.
Q: You keep using that word.
A: We’re quite fond of it.
Q: Why did selling stop precisely at 12:30 PM Chicago time?
A: Market participants naturally reassessed their positions during the lunch hour and determined that prices had reached attractive levels.
Q: All of them? At exactly 12:30?
A: Yes. Pure coincidence.
Q: How many coincidences can happen in one day?
A: We haven’t established an upper limit yet. This is exciting research.
Q: What happens when Shanghai opens Monday at $122 and COMEX is at $85?
A: That would represent normal market dynamics reflecting regional supply and demand differentials.
Q: A $37 difference for the same metal isn’t normal.
A: It is if it keeps happening.
Q: That’s not how “normal” works.
A: We’ve submitted a proposal to Merriam-Webster to update the definition.
Q: Can you address the rumor that a banker in London was heard saying “we’re less short than we were this morning”?
A: We don’t comment on rumors.
Q: Multiple people heard it.
A: Then it’s a very popular rumor, which speaks to its entertainment value but not its accuracy.
Q: There’s a recording.
A: We don’t comment on alleged recordings of alleged conversations that allegedly took place.
Q: The banker is allegedly drunk on the recording.
A: It was Friday evening. Who among us isn’t?
Q: Is the paper silver market a fraud?
A: The paper silver market provides essential price discovery and liquidity functions that benefit all market participants.
Q: That’s not an answer to the question.
A: We felt it was a better answer than the question deserved.
Q: So it IS a fraud?
A: We prefer “creatively structured obligation instruments with flexible delivery parameters.”
Q: That’s a lot of words for “fraud.”
A: We prefer to think of it as “robust vocabulary deployment.”
Q: What about Venezuela? Greenland? The tariffs? The Iran armada? How does any of this relate to silver?
A: You’re conflating unrelated geopolitical events with normal commodity market function.
Q: They all happened in the same two-week period during unprecedented silver volatility.
A: January is a busy month.
Q: Is any of this coordinated?
A: Absolutely not. We’ve been very clear that everything is coincidental.
Q: All of it?
A: Every single bit.
Q: Really?
A: Would we lie to you?
Q: Yes.
A: Well. Yes. But not about this.
Q: Why should we believe you?
A: Because the alternative is believing in a vast coordinated conspiracy involving multiple exchanges, central banks, governments, and commercial banks working together to suppress silver prices while maintaining a fraudulent paper market, and that sounds absolutely ridiculous when you say it out loud like that, doesn’t it?
Q: ...does it though?
A: NEXT QUESTION.
Q: Will this happen again?
A: Markets are inherently unpredictable, which is why we have sophisticated risk management systems, circuit breakers, and regulatory oversight to prevent excessive volatility.
Q: But none of those worked on Friday.
A: They worked exactly as intended.
Q: By not working?
A: By working in a way that didn’t work the way you thought they should work but worked perfectly for how they were supposed to work on Friday specifically.
Q: That’s gibberish.
A: We prefer “adaptive functionality within dynamic parameters.”
Q: What should retail investors do?
A: Retail investors should consult with qualified financial advisors and make investment decisions based on their own risk tolerance and financial objectives.
Q: Should they buy physical silver?
A: We can neither confirm nor deny that physical silver exists.
Q: What?
A: Physical silver is a theoretical construct. The paper market is what’s real.
Q: I’m holding a silver coin right now.
A: That’s a trick of the light.
Q: I’M LITERALLY HOLDING IT.
A: We recommend seeing an optometrist.
Q: Is there anything else investors should know?
A: Yes. Kevin Warsh is an excellent choice for Fed Chair.
Q: What does that have to do with silver?
A: Everything. Obviously. Weren’t you paying attention?
Q: To what?
A: Exactly.
Q: One more question—
A: We’re out of time.
Q: You just published this FAQ.
A: And we’re very busy people.
Q: Doing what?
A: Preparing for Monday.
Q: Why, what happens Monday?
A: Hopefully nothing. But probably something. Possibly everything. Definitely coincidental.
Q: Should we be worried?
A: Not at all. Markets are functioning normally.
Q: Define “normally.”
A: However they’re currently functioning.
Q: That’s insane.
A: We prefer “flexibly calibrated stability metrics.”
For more information, please don’t contact us.
For additional reassurance that everything is normal, please refer to our previous FAQ entries explaining how everything is normal.
LEGAL DISCLAIMER
Any resemblance to actual events, or members of the public or officials is purely coincidental. We’re quite fond of that word. No bankers were harmed in the making of this FAQ, even though we were tempted. A LOT.
Yours is one of the few blogs I heart check before actually reading it
Hysterical! Love the whole thing. Wish I knew more than one person that I could forward it to that would get the humor LOL